You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
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