Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
