You made me cry and you don't even care
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
