We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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