i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
