Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
