All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
