I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
