Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
