No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
