He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?