First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?