He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes