I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
