Are you still at the party or did I leave?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
