I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
