Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
