my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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