She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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