I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
