Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
