I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
