The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
