You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
