i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
