see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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