I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
