one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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