and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
