You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
