I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
