The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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