You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you will always have a special place in my vag
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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