I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
