my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
