Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You took a bar mat shot.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
