I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
