I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
