I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
When did angry sex become our thing?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
