Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
