I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
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This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
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I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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