dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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