Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
