I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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