I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
How does it feel to date your dad?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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