hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
