I skipped work to stalk him.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
