I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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