I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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