I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
