Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
