I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
