I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
