It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
