Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
