He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
