who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
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Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
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I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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