So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
