A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
